Fear in me

I guess I’ve been thinking too much. He hasn’t changed perhaps just that he didn’t feel like talking on the phone.

I just told him he can feel free to say any girls cute or whatever and I won’t get angry but I guess he's doing too far. As usual, my only fear.. My sister.

I don’t understand. Is her voice cute? My god, everyone seemed to say that. I know I’m bad but I just wanna say she's a vain pot. She just wants to get to know people from my band, or should I say GUYS only. I've never even bothered about her band stuff.

Now it seems like Wei Wen, Jun Wei, Adam, Zameer, Ali, Kang Wei know her and she's feeling great? And just then, he asked if she's single and stuff. Man, did it break my heart.

I know if he's true he won’t stray but I can’t help but feel scared. Cos I know my sis. When she sees cute guys, or maybe her guy friends or mine, she'll act cute. Well, in the sense to attract them. She’s done it again..

Why did I have to suffer with such sis? I can take it no more..

Does anyone ever understand the fear I have in me? ='(

Last Saturday night I cried over the phone telling Ali my fears. today, I’m crying to myself.. why must this happen?

=)

Hmm, it’s been some time since I last updated already. Well, still kinda pissed off with work. It’s like, on Friday, Harlis was supposed to work full but was attached to CWP cos they need a Muslim there. At night, they need him there too, so we lack of a worker. I was supposed to work morning only but my manager asked me to work at night too to replace Harris. I said NO cos I’ve got something on.Shee said then I’ve gotta find a replacement. WHAT THE.. It’s not like it’s in my schedule and I have to work rite. Whatever.

So I got Caroline to replace. And then my manager asked me to replace her on Sunday, which is today, in return. I was like.. What the fo0k. I’ve got something on too. I got Gains to replace me but he can only make it at 7. So my manager made a fuss about it. I lied saying I’m sick, and she demanded an MC. What the. I’ve got a feeling that maybe I would get terminated.. =//.

Sighs, everything's changed. The nicer manager had turned evil. =//.

Time to update my love life. =D. I’m so loved.. By him. =). Felt so glad that he came into my life. He’s simply so sweet. I was like saying if he wants to pick up from work on Friday, he could. I didn’t really expect that much, cos I know he's to be home early.. But.. He did. I was so touched. On Wednesday, he went to Jurong point, to see me work. I’m touched.. Again.

Today, he kinda sneaked out from home, to meet me. =). Time was short, but I cherished everything. I love him more than ever. I’m so touched.

I got his jersey; it’s full of his smell, a bear of love; to remind us of the special eighteen of April, and a light bulb with decorations on it; cos I love light bulbs. He’s having 2 'projects' coming up for me.. Or should I say surprises? Though I’ve gotta wait till his exams are over, but.. I know hospital got patients. heeeheee.

He also 'ying mo duo duo' one. He’s simply so irresistible. I’m also gonna have something for him... thou it havent start. For my special someone: if I’d a second chance, I would still choose you. <3 ya!

She's NOT my best friend

Attention everyone! I shall now announce that Michelle is NOT my best friend. Who needs a backstabber for a best friend? I don’t need it!

At least now I know why I’ve been given little hours in Seoul Garden already. Well, all thanks to her. I wasn’t very sure if she's the one who's been bad-mouthing me in front of the manager but now I can guarantee she's behind all this! FREAKING FRIEND I have.

Okay, so maybe she thinks she's great. Too bad everyone hates her. MUAHAHA. Take yesterday for example, she made a huge fuss just cos she CANNOT see the 4-seater table which has not been stoved out. Uh-huh, and there she goes: SHAN! Which tables not yet stove out? She made it sound like she's some new manager. It’s her eye problem that she can’t see the table which has not been stoved out.

Hidayah is one of my band's ex-member, which I heard she's from saxophone. And yesterday, I was catching up things with her at the counter and got to find out she's actually from clarinet. I was talking to her about past stuff while waiting for the customer to foot the bill. I remembered the order of soup base but just wanted to confirm and so I asked Michelle. AGAIN, she shouted: ginseng chicken! I told you already! Still stand there and talk! fo0k! Bloody asshole. o0ps.

So what if she has half a month more experience than me? So WHAT? fo0k the bloody Michelle. Now I hate her. Well, I’m in the club! =D.

Again, I wanna say Michelle is NOT my best friend!

Hmm, all that for my unhappiness with her. Today I’m going to meet him. =). Been looking forward to that, missed him terribly..

18/04/04

He: "I wish I could stay with you forever."

awww... so sweet. =D.

^.^ or ~.~?

How did I fall in love with you?
Falling so hard so fast this time.
What did I say? What did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
Didn’t know why I just felt like writing all this now. Its like, I know we're into one another; we say sweet things over the phone, our messages for each other are just so sweet and we're thinking about one another each time. It’s all happening so sweetly. But things are like not really serious. I mean, with all these you might think it’s nice. Yes, it is. But we're just related as friends.

None of us pop the question; or should I say he didn’t want to pop the question. It would be nice being attached to him, but maybe the thought of the break-up word when the feeling fades or whatever is really hurting. Maybe what we're now is better than being attached to one another.

But I still want to be related to him.

Still, we're only at the stage of talking on the phone. I, or maybe we, is/are shy to communicate with one another in the open.

Now I’m making things sound rather sad.

I should be glad we've been talking on the phone almost everyday for like, months, and never really got bored with one another.

I guess my feelings for him started right from the beginning. Right from the day he told me he's fallen in love with someone else. Jealousy arose. But at that point of time I didn’t want my feelings to be so obvious. I told myself its nothing. Who knows I’m in it now..

Maybe I shouldn’t bother too much about such stuff and be contented with what I have now.

Still, I want more.

[edit] this entry is kinda ironic. Or maybe it’s supposed to be like that? [/edit]

What's happening?

Don’t understand. Really don’t understand. What’s happening? Since the day I’ve stepped into Seoul Garden, things have changed. I was really enthusiastic about working there, and now? All the enthusiasium (did I spell correctly?) in me has gone... totally gone. I’ve lost my interest already.

First things first. I’m lowly regarded there. Since I’m like the insignificant worker in there, why work so hard? For goodness sake I’m free almost everyday and my working hours are like, only TEN hours per week? Man, how much can I earn?! If this goes on, every month I can only earn $180. Man, in one year I’ll get $2160. That’s more than enough for my school fees. But what about my expenses? Oh, am I supposed to go to school everyday with what I always wear?

Okay, I’m being a little sarcastic here cos I really can’t stand it! Since I’ve been working there, Fabian, Dennis, Melissa, Ann, Bryan, Marcus, Belle, Martin, the list goes on, have been either terminated or resign! Man, that's like so many people. Since then we only succeed in recruiting two more new people! Furthermore, I know Mark, Steve, Harlis, Nora and even I, and yes, ME, are looking for another part time job! I heard two more are resigning.

HAHAHA. I’m a little evil today. So Seoul Garden is gonna have Michelle, Naz, Alvin bla bla to handle. They’ll suffer. I make sure. Michelle is gonna earn bucks like hell. In fact, no one likes her at all. Everyone’s talking about her. And SHE is talking about everyone else! Except that she's talking about us in front of the managers. BIG sial. What can we do? Manager’s pet mah!

Okay, so usually when I write my own blog I won’t even bother to use singlish. Oh man, I just wanna add more sarcastic effects!

Fun fun people have gone, are going to go, and will not come back. Haaa. So maybe I should leave ASAP too. Its either I’ll work for the full 4 months and then resign in a "having more face" way or I’ll get terminated. See how long more I can "tahan" in there lah. And man, I’m only into my 3rd month!

Last but not least, I wish Seoul Garden JP good luck! Last time it used to be Seoul Garden CWP needs workers from Seoul Garden JP and I can see that in future, it’s the other way round! MUAHAHAHAAA.

Hectic day

shucks. my tagboard and layout having problem. -.- my tagboard just seemed to have endless errors and the picture in my previous layout just can’t seemed to load. so, I’ve changed to this better blogskin. it’s nicer and I love it. cos it’s a combination of tigger and orange. my favourites. (=

yesterday was a hectic and tiring day. it was Mother's Day. of cos, there were many customers. two full waiting lists, imagine that. luckily, we managed to finish everything by 11. it was quite late already. as now they changed a new system. the auntie gotta "steam" the stoves before we're able to stove in. that took up alot of time.

I felt glad cos I’m able to meet him just before work starts. he's getting loads of health problems nowadays.. like stomachache, back ache etc.. I’m worried. he's so stubborn.. he doesn’t want to see the doctor. but he's still so sweet lah.

haha. and Michelle got her retribution. lols. cos we're supposed to pre bus the tables when the customers are eating desserts. meaning we have to clear everything on the table. and she was helping me to clear the table which is full of bowls and plates. she plates the fork with a watermelon into the soup.. the customer got angry and said "hey! I still want that!" she was shocked and took out the fork. then the customer said "forget it! you think what?! watermelon soup?!" I felt a little triumph in my heart. it’s especially obvious the customer was really angry cos when he had questions, he only turned to me and ask. HAHA.

my plan which I wrote in my previous blog kinda worked. haaa. I’ve been talking on the phone, as usual, alot with him.. but my mum didn’t really catch me on the phone. guess it’s also my skills. I hid the phone terrifically you wouldn’t know whether I’m speaking on the phone not. hehe. I’m a genius.

guess I’ve gotta start a new tagboard. -.-

Kinda tired

Have been writing people testimonials since the afternoon. Left out a few cos I don’t know them well. Kinda tired.. Rotted my day away. One day wasted. And then tonight is gonna be tv time for me! Lols.

I don’t understand why nowadays I’m getting more and more short-tempered. Its like, anything my mother says simply freaks me out! I mean, I’ll just like, feel irritated and answer her unhappily. Why? I just don’t understand why.

Now I kinda hate the long term holidays. At first I felt really shiok. But since then I’ve been troubling with lots of stuff. Now I understand why work sucks and school rules. It’s definitely true when people say we don’t know how to cherish the things we have until we lose it.. I want school!

Well, at least I know I won’t get all the naggings from my mother cos by the time I’m back, all household chores are done and there's nothing my mother can nag me. Unless my table gets too untidy..

I can’t stand the long term holidays! Freedom is one thing.. The thing is, I just keep eating and eating.. You know the thing girls hate.. Which is to put on weight! Or to look fatter. Grr. girls just have so many things to worry about!! =//.

*screams* whatever. I just have to take things one at a time.. =//.

Bookworm

Hmm, guess I’m kinda a bookworm nowadays. What to do? I’ve got very little working hours and I can only rot around at home ya know. Borrowed Leap of Faith by Danielle Steel on mon. finished reading it on Tuesday. And yesterday, I finished reading Fruits Basket comic. Simply a bookworm.

Yesterday, I borrowed 3 more books by Danielle Steel. And am gonna get a dozen comics from my colleague either today or tomorrow. If only I have this reading habit last year. Then maybe I still can manage an A2 in my English. =P. I’m thinking too much. Lols.

Things are still getting out-of-hand. Am I being a paranoid? Am I thinking too much? I hope so. =//.

"Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart, but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours"

Maybe I should carry that kinda feeling with me rather than hoping too much. There’s such quote in Chinese: "the more you hope for, the more disappointment you'll get". =//.

Fun @ Seoul Garden

Hmm, went to dine in @ Seoul Garden with Peng, Silvirin, Zi Qian, Shu Chen and Shu Mei. Certainly had fun. When we met up with each other, Shu Mei and Shu Chen said they wanna go withdraw money.. Who knows in the end they gave a call to Peng and said they wanna go elsewhere before coming back. That time was about 4 plus and they said they'll be back @ 7!

Needless to say, we continued with our meal. We paid for them too. Even when we had finished our meal, after eating deserts too, They weren't back! There was Caroline who's working. Well, she's deaf and mute. As I'm working there, i know we had to clear the table when the customers are eating their deserts. I was so afraid she'd clear up since its hard to communicate with her. who knows.. she really did! -.-"

after that, i thought of a plan, which is to trick Shu Mei and Shu Chen that cos of them we didn't even touch anything. Which is trying to make them feel guilty la. Hoho. Our plan worked! Mark is really nice, man! I was thinking if he might feel I'm a lil irritating and troublesome but he said it's okay. Cos I had asked him to clear the table completely and set up to look as though we really didn't start anything.

When they finally arrived. We were like "Eh, we hungry till we can't walk. you two serve us." They really did, of cos. But when we see them takin quite a lot of food, We were like "Oh no oh no" Cos we really can't fit anymore things in our stomach! And then I told them the truth but they feel nothing at all! The triumph part was when they really believed us but the bad part was they don't feel guilty at all.

Okay. This entry is getting a lil lame. After we finally finished eating, we played a game in which the loser have to drink half a cup of water. Luck wasnt on my side today. I lost 3 times! Grrr! I was feeling really bloated and really wanna vomit. But I seriously don't know how to vomit =X I tried that in the toilet, but to no avail. When I was trying, tears welled up in my eyes. Man, I was feeling really bad.

Wadever it is, things are really nice. Cos its like a lil gathering for all of us and it's been centuries since we last had a meal together like this. And anyway, we stayed in the resturant almost up to 6 hours! One of my colleagues who ain't working today went in and extra a lil while trying to join us. He could, ya know, we paid for two other people who's coming later. And at night when he saw me again, he was like.. "Wah lao! you stay since just now ar?" And I said "ya" and he went -.-!! LOL.

I blame myself

I guess things are getting out of hand. Everything in my life is in a mess now. I’m feeling very moody nowadays.. I don’t show it out at all.

Sometimes I really blame myself for graduating school so early. It’s like, I feel very lonely now. I can’t get along well with my peers as compared to how well I can get along with my juniors but you certainly don’t expect me to be back in school 24-7 right. The only companions I have are my home and my workplace.. I really feel very lonely. I have means of contacts with my friends too. But not all of them are free 24-7. Sighs.

Even if it’s like I talk to him on the phone almost like everyday except for nights when I'm working but I still feel his absence in my heart.. We live very close to each other.. But in heart we're far away. And it’s like we're only communicating through phone.. Not even like meet up and stuff like that.. Why?

I go to work feeling really stressful cos I don’t have many hours per week. I still have to pay for my school fees ya know. What can I say? BIASED is the word. I hate my managers for being BIASED! I mean.. Real biased! Just cos they get free labour from one of my colleagues means they have to give her most of the working time HUH? It's like her free labour is NOT even like free labour. I hate it! There’re jobs available but I also have to think about my transport fees.. I mean.. The job available is in Bugis.. So far!

So many things in my life! And I can only pour out everything here.. Some more the feelings in me can’t be put into words you know. I’m still so young.. Barely even 17. Recently I heard from my oldest brother he paid for his own school fees when he was in poly too. BUT, he was 21 at that time! For goodness sake! He was an adult at that time already! Sighs. The most fortunate one is my older sister. She just have to enroll into a school and have her fees paid by my mother. She’s too dependent on my mother. She’ll just sit around and wait for money only. This is not because of bias. This is because my mother felt she owed it to her.. Bullshit! =(. Sighs.

Before I end, do add something in my Tagboard which is in my "going & going" section. talk about anything.. make me happy. =).

Why?

I don't understand a thing! Why is my mother restricting me from hanging out with malay guys? What's wrong? She doesn't forbide me from talking to them on the phone but she keeps nagging saying iI should refrain from talking too much to them.. WHY?

She's already in the verge of digging out my savings from my bank account, and now she wants to dig out my freedom of making friends! Worse still.. I'm in love with a malay guy! What's wrong with malay guys? I have tons of malay guy friends in school and even my workplace.. Just what's wrong with them? She claims it's for my OWN good but I think she's wrong! She's just trying to make my life miserable! Why can't my mother be more open-minded? Why does the old-fashioned thought still clinging onto her? WHY?

Firstly, I think she still forbides me into having a relationship.. And now she doesn't want me to get into any relationship with a malay guy! Grrr. I don't understand why. I'm lucky to be born in this world.. But am unlucky to have such narrow-minded mum.. Sighs! I dare to say I have really good malay guy friends like Ali and Zameer, and I really cherish them! She just don't understand!

Strange Dreams

Nowadays I have very strange dreams. Yet all these dreams seemed to have the same theme: im gonna lose someone.. Is it true? I don't know..

The first dream was about my idol, Jay Chou. he had promised me earlier he would sign an autograph for me, but left without saying a word. Of cos i was devastated..

The next dream was seriously very strange. It all happened when I eavesdropped a group of people talking about their plan for something really bad. I sneaked away in my bicycle but they tracked me down eventually. One of them had a gun and out of anger, he shot us randomly.. Only my brother got shot and was sent to the hospital.. Again, it's like I'm gonna lose somebody..

I'm feeling so sad. For fear that I would lose someone I cherish alot.. =//. Today there's gonna be alumni. Hopefully it'll be fun as it always is. =) At least music keeps my troubles away from me temporary..

I'm having lesser and lesser working hours nowadays.. If this goes on, I would have to suffer real hard. Cos my salary isn't gonna be high anymore.. =( My highest barely even reached 500 bucks. Grrr. I think I better find another part-time job to seek for security. It's not that I'm lazy so I get lil hours.. It's cos there's this girl who's on attachment from Indonesia and she have to work for 54 hours week. Worst still, she's not that good and does things slowly. And she's gonna be here for 6 months!

Kids =D

I had a fun day today! Haaa. Also cos of who I'm working with. I'ts Harlis! Fun man. Especially when I'm workin morning shift. Normally we don't have much customers so we can joke and play around today. It's nice!

There was this malay group of customers with 4 really cute kids. Two of them were like so happy running towards the cushion seats and then crawled to the end. It's really damn cartoon cos it's like they're wearing nappies and you know how big their bum looked like and having them crawling in utimate speed, shaking their bums like hell. They felt a sense of satisfaction after that and were like so happy.. Kids nowadays. Haaa. And then there was this youngest baby who was running and I happened to walk past him. And suddenly it's like he bumped into me and hugged my legs. Cute right? That's why its like so fun and nice today! Kids are still the cute little beings who'll light up our days with any stupid things they're doing =)

April Fools' Day

Happy april fools day! Havent fooled anyone yet cos I have not stepped out of my house since morning. Hopefully I'll be able to trick people during work. Haha. Today is really a bad day for me.. Its like, I got screwed by my manager. She's the nicest of all and to think that she actually screwed me means I did something really bad. But I know I didnt. Just that I'm always very cheeky and tease her. She knows I dont mean it.. =/.

The next thing is, my mother's gonna dig out money from my bank account.. My hard-earned money. She said she'll transfer 1k to her account in order to pay for my school fees. Last time she told me she's gonna use the money in my account for my school fees if we're financially tight. I know the situation now.. But I'm still not ready for that. It's all my hard-earned money; my blood and my sweat.. It all accumulates from the bursaries I've gotten by studying real hard, and my pay for one and a half month.. I'm seriously not ready for that.. I wish I could tell her how much I don't wanna use the money in my account.. I wish I have my account book in my hands.. But I know all these will lead to continuous naggings from her.. sighs. I've never even take out any money from my wages to spend it for myself.. I just wanna keep it safe in my account. Even before I can spend any money on myself.. I have to spend it on my school fees.. Help me.. =(.