It's ruining me!

I CANT STAND IT!

why is my mother so paranoid about it? if its cos of religion, maybe I still can accept it.. but it’s also cos of the age that she doesn’t accept it? its so correct when the first episode of double happiness in which situ yaxi asked her mum why is it so that a guy can fall in love with a girl 10 years younger than him and cant a girl like a guy 10 years younger than her? why is the society so narrow-minded?

maybe it’s not the society that's narrow-minded.. but of all people, why my mum? I’ve got this major feeling inside of me which also tells me she wants her face. she dare not face her friends or relatives if this were to spread. but why?

she's getting too much.. I betcha everyone out there can’t stand such a mother. if she's only threatening to talk to his parents, that's not as bad after all. well, his parents doesn’t mind it, anyway. but to think she's up to the state into claiming he might have chanted some curse into his jersey, made me wear it, and made me fall in love with him! wtf!

can you actually stand such a mother? I can’t!

luckily, she's not depriving me of going out. I’m actually quite surprised when she still actually let me go out. NOT that I want her to shut me indoors lah, but that's what parents usually do when they want their children to learn.

it’s especially irritating when she stares at me when I have an incoming call. she would stare and stare without saying a word. and if she realizes I’m speaking ONLY English, she'll start all the nagging all over again! shits! even before she sleeps, she would check on me, whether I’m talking on the phone or not. just yesterday, when my sisters were quarrelling, I predicted she would come out of her bedroom, though she's in the middle of her sleep. and probably she would pass by my room to check if I’m talking to him on the phone, perhaps giving the same stare all over again. she did.

now I’m like controlling my tears every night. why must my mother give me the mental torture? she's even ransacking my stuff without my permission, probably even reading my school organizer and my stuff. she's invading into my privacy. I can actually see the difference in her. she used to trust me totally. she wouldn’t ransack my stuff like she did to all my siblings. she knows I’d behave myself. she trust me completely. the trust is now broken. all because she's objecting me and him!

it’s not like I’ve been sleeping with him and stuff. we do things like any normal couple would, minus off the sex part, of cos.

I knew age would be a problem. I knew my mum would object. but I definitely didn’t know she'd go crazy up to this stage! her actions and words are tormenting me! sometimes I just wish I could jump down from my house, cut my wrist, having her disown me, or maybe even running away from home..

according to what happened on Monday, I realized she actually decreased her nagging just cos she didn’t find me talking to him on the phone. yea, he was busy and only called me after ten, which was when my mum's already asleep. I think this could be a solution. maybe I should get him to call me only after my mum's sleeping time or when I’m outside at night, so probably she wouldn’t nag that much.

sighs, I don’t know what'd happen in the future..